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About my Children

written by Robin Schubert on 2017-08-27 | Tags: miscellaneous, private

This post is off-topic, completly unrelated to free software or any technical topic. Feel free to skip this unless you want to read about my personal feelings that I just had to write down and share somewhere.

I wanted to write this down for many years now. It is about an amazing and overwhelming feeling, but with a frightening and sad taste. I still feel it now, after more than 4 years, like the way I felt it back then. It first appeared when I had a look at my new born oldest son for the very first time.

A child in time

I am incredibly lucky to have three healthy beautiful wonderful children, all of which gave me this feeling and still do.

To me they were born as perfect little beings. Flawless, without any scratches or scars, just complete and pure. Unnecessary to mention, I was happy and proud as can be, but one thing I knew from the start: From now on I would have to sit powerless and watch how time passes by my children and how scratches, scars, breaches and whatsoever would be added to their perfect skins and bodies. Together with my children a fear was born that I know I will carry for the rest of my life; Sure, I will put anything into protecting my children from any harm as good as I can. I don't have the illusion though, that I can protect them from all harm. This will become a constant struggle with my children and my fears, which they will not be able to understand until they have children themselves.

Furthermore I realized that it's not only their bodies; They were born with a clean and pure mind and soul as well; both awaits a similar path. The tremendous task to protect three little bodies minds and souls from getting wounded, scarred or worse now lies upon me.

My thoughts on 'Time heals any wounds'

That's what they say. However, I don't think that time actually heals wounds, neither physical nor mental or emotional.

I imagine a soul as a beautiful landscape. Life with its ups and downs will add valleys and mountains to it, forming a unique personality. However, deep emotional wounds will cut deep craters and gorges, or burn down what has built up in years. We can try to build bridges over crates and gorges and to patch and fill wholes. We can try to grow new things on the ashes and with time the tracks of wounds will become weaker. It will nevertheless not heal fully. You will see evidence of all these wounds if you took a cross-sectional view of a density distribution - a quake may tear open old wounds easily anytime.

Finally

This has been on my mind for quite some time now. When re-reading, it sounds pretty cheerless to me. But that's not how it really feels; living means using the body, mind and soul. Life will inevitably leave its marks on them. This is what life bears by default and what makes it exciting. I want my children to live their lifes fully, so that's fine. They still are and always will be the most beautiful things I've ever seen, no scars will ever change that. They make me so proud and happier as anything else could do.

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